A pang in the heart, a flashback, the image of her thumbs pressing hard in her beloved friend’s skin, the frail neck of Pauline surrendering to the pressure of her fingers and her – Jane – who couldn’t do anything more than squeeze, press, crush… She could almost see Pauline’s expression again, her eyes lost in the terror of someone who knows is dying, until they just lose their life, Pauline’s relaxed, lifeless body, and Jane’s tears falling down on her cheeks. Now, she had no tears anymore, she had already used up all of them having watched all day that body from the house. Jane got into the small boat and untied the rope. She had no oars, but she didn’t need them: she knew the currents in the lake well enough. Since her early days her father had always educated her to love and respect the lake, to fear it as much as it should, her father, who ditched her too, who had killed himself abandoning her in this desperate world. Everyone had left, everyone had abandoned her. So, she. I wrote that I must learn to endure the painwithout complaint.It was slow work because of the problems with using my hands, andeverything I wrote looked childish and clumsy despite the struggle toproduce it. I had to learn a new way to hold the pen. I wrote that too.I wrote that I was too clumsy to write in gloves and would have tolearn to do better.I went on in a similar vein to describe the limitations of my uniform,how I had brought them on myself through laziness and disobedience, andhow I must work hard to manage despite them. My uniform was not veryforgiving of laziness now.I knew that the fear of punishment was one of the chief things thatmade me work harder, but I didn't know whether it was a good idea tolist that. If I mentioned it, I might receive even more harshpunishments 'at my own request', but if I missed it out I might be introuble for skipping such an obvious topic.Nervously, I hedged around it, stating that I needed to work harder toavoid punishments, and if I did.
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